The Local Crank

Musings & Sardonic Commentary on Politics, Religion, Culture & Native American Issues. Bringing you the finest in radioactive screeds since 2002! "The Local Crank" newspaper column is distributed by Community Newspaper Holdings, Inc.

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Location: Cleburne, Texas, United States

Just a simple Cherokee trial lawyer, Barkman has been forcing his opinions on others in print since, for reasons that passeth understanding, he was an unsuccessful candidate for state representative in 2002. His philosophy: "If people had wanted me to be nice, they should've voted for me."

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Column for 7 January, 2007

“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.”

--1 Corinthians 13:1-3

I only have one New Year’s Resolution for 2007 but (typical lawyer) it has 23 sub-parts. I hereby resolve not to give a load of flaming dingo’s kidneys about the following:

1) The pro-war opinions of any able-bodied heterosexual US Citizen between the ages of 18 and 41 who is not currently serving in uniform, is not a veteran and is not currently serving as a police officer or a firefighter. If you fit the above category, and continue to support the bloody train wreck that is Bush’s war in Iraq, then put on a uniform, pick up a rifle and stand to post; otherwise, shut your festering gob because you are a hypocrite at best and a pulling coward at worst. Despite our extreme policy differences, Van Taylor will always have my respect in this regard because he, unlike so many others on the Right Wing of the political spectrum, put his money where his mouth is and his life on the line;
2) The anti-gay marriage opinions of anyone who has ever been divorced or had an affair. Try reading the Bible before you quote it to me;
3) Any news report announcing that anything has been found to cause and/or cure cancer;
4) Rick Perry;
5) Kinky Freidman, Texas’ answer to Ralph Nader, only less funny;
6) Anyone’s opinion on illegal immigration, unless they are an Indian. If your family wasn’t here in October of 1492, you are an illegal alien. If you aren’t willing to go back to Ireland, German, Italy or wherever and stay a year, pay 500 years of back taxes to the tribal government of your choice and then re-apply to be let back in, why would you expect anyone else to?
7) The opinions of the same people on English as an “official language.” Learn to speak Cherokee, then get back to me;
8) My hair. Whatever happens to my hairline in the next 39 years, I hereby vow never to resort to rugs, plugs or comb-overs;
9) My age. Nothing I can do about it, anyway;
10) People like Senator James Inhofe (R-Never Never Land) who still refuse to accept that global warming is both real and a bad thing. These people are simply idiots and I can’t fight the stupid;
11) The future. The future stinks anyway, or as my niece would put it, inhales vigorously. Here it is 2007, there’s no Moonbase and I still don’t have a flying car. War, famine, pestilence, poverty and John Tesh all remain stubbornly unvanquished. I think we got stuck with someone else’s crummy future. Maybe we should demand a refund;
12) Things I cannot change;
13) Republican Congressmen who will complain over the next two years about how badly they are treated by the Democratic Majority. You guys lost the right to that argument after 12 years of running Congress like Stalin’s Politburo;
14) Same thing for Republicans who will whine that Democrats are “harassing” the President with “frivolous investigations.” Remember when y’all wanted to investigate Bill Clinton for supposedly using government funds for his Christmas cards? Well, I do;
15) Liberal political extremists who are more concerned with ideological purity than winning elections. There is no prize for second place in politics;
16) Conservative political extremists who are more concerned with ideological purity than the Bill of Rights. The President puts his hand on the Bible and swears to uphold the Constitution, not the other way around;
17) The anti-abortion opinions of anyone who isn’t adopted or isn’t willing to adopt;
18) The latest gadget. My life would undoubtedly be better off without my cell phone, laptop or PDA, anyway;
19) Mistakes I have made in the past. Nothing I can do about those, either;
20) Anything spewed out of FOX News;
21) Anything on the internet. I may have mentioned this before, but 95% of everything on the internet is crap;
22) The fact that most kids today are fat. And the fact that they are fat because they spend so much time sitting on their fat rears and staring stupidly into screens that moss grows on their north sides. There’s really not much I can about this, either, except for my own kids;
23) Mean people. They, too, inhale vigorously. And there’s nothing I can do about it.

Happy New Year, y’all!

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18 Comments:

Blogger Eric said...

As Reinhold Neibuhr once said, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” The older I get, the more I appreciate the wisdom of that quote. In fact I would attribute most of the world's man-made problems to a) an attempt to change things that can't be changed, b) a lack of moral and political courage to change the things that can, and c) an endemic human failure of NOT knowing the difference between the two.

1/06/2007 1:11 PM  
Blogger The Local Crank said...

"In fact I would attribute most of the world's man-made problems to a) an attempt to change things that can't be changed, b) a lack of moral and political courage to change the things that can, and c) an endemic human failure of NOT knowing the difference between the two."

And, of course, d) John Tesh

1/06/2007 7:12 PM  
Blogger QuakerDave said...

# 1.: That'd be one Jonah "I have other priorities" Goldberg.

1/06/2007 9:39 PM  
Blogger The Local Crank said...

Oh there's a LONG list of people that #1 could apply to. I have nothing but respect for veterans and those currently in uniform, even the ones who support the war, maybe especially the ones who support the war, but I have nothing but contempt for those who, as in the Vietnam era, are quick to support the war and condemn those who oppose it as traitors, but are unwilling to risk their own lives.

1/06/2007 11:27 PM  
Blogger WayneDawg said...

#2 The anti-gay marriage opinions of anyone who has ever been divorced or had an affair. Try reading the Bible before you quote it to me;

What about divorces that are approved by Jesus Himself (Adultery)?

#6 Anyone’s opinion on illegal immigration, unless they are an Indian. If your family wasn’t here in October of 1492, you are an illegal alien. If you aren’t willing to go back to Ireland, German, Italy or wherever and stay a year, pay 500 years of back taxes to the tribal government of your choice and then re-apply to be let back in, why would you expect anyone else to?

I was born here. That gives me (according to illegal Mexicans anyway) a natural citizen of said country.

#7 The opinions of the same people on English as an “official language.” Learn to speak Cherokee, then get back to me;

Cherokees were the first ones here? Did not know that.

#10 People like Senator James Inhofe (R-Never Never Land) who still refuse to accept that global warming is both real and a bad thing. These people are simply idiots and I can’t fight the stupid;

I still can't reason with global warming folks about weather records. Those darn things have been kept for about 150 years now, more or less. 150 years of keeping climate records versus millions of years of actual climate changes (age according to evolutionists)and we 'know' that the Earth is warming. That's just irresponsible to assume.

#17 The anti-abortion opinions of anyone who isn’t adopted or isn’t willing to adopt;

I have adopted a child. At least I can still talk about this one!

1/08/2007 7:11 AM  
Blogger The Local Crank said...

"What about divorces that are approved by Jesus Himself (Adultery)?"

Go for it.

"I was born here. That gives me (according to illegal Mexicans anyway) a natural citizen of said country."

Sorry, we don't have a 14th Amendment.

"Cherokees were the first ones here? Did not know that."

We were created here.

"I still can't reason with global warming folks about weather records...That's just irresponsible to assume."

I don't understand your point on this one.

"I have adopted a child. At least I can still talk about this one!"

You can ALWAYS talk about ANY of these issues; the only question is whether I'm listening. And good on you for adopting; more people should do that (and in THIS country, too; Angelina, Madona, I'm looking at you!)

1/08/2007 11:38 AM  
Blogger WayneDawg said...

We were created here? What does that mean? God created only two people. Everyone else (except Jesus of course) came about via the ‘be fruitful and multiply’ way. Using your reasoning, I was created here too...lol.

The folks that were here first migrated or came by boat. Nobody was just created here.

As far as the global warming issue goes, it's simple. Please provide me high and low temp's for the last 10,000 years. I won't ask you to go back millions of years.

I will take that data and analyze it for warming and cooling trends over that time. 150 years of temp’s is not long enough based on the supposed age of the Earth to assume we are in a warming trend.

If memory serves me correct, scientists in the 70’s were scaring everyone with the global cooling chants. See Time magazine in 1975 for example and 'The Weather Conspiracy: The Coming of the New Ice Age' book by Stephen Schneider in the late 70’s. Don’t forget about that WMO conference in 1979 where the general conclusion was the world was cooling down.

Why can’t we just acknowledge that the Earth goes through global cooling and warming trends every couple hundered years? Just like the nuts that were predicting that 2006 would be the year of killer hurricanes that would make 2005 hurricanes look like heavy t-storms, Earth climate changes are the same way; just trends that come and go like the tides.

1/08/2007 2:19 PM  
Blogger The Local Crank said...

"We were created here? What does that mean?"

It means the Cherokee, like most Indians, traditionally believed they were created by God in their homeland (the Smoky Mountains), which were created by God especially for them. Many Indians thus reject the idea that they migrated here across a land bridge or came by boat. And even if they did, they have been here for as long as 30,000 years, perhaps longer which I think gives them superior title.

"God created only two people."

Literalism and inerrancy are recent doctrines developed by a British preacher and are not Biblical. In fact, they rob the Bible of meaning by reducing it to a history or science textbook. Incidentally, the Cherokee creation story also has one man and one woman.

"Why can’t we just acknowledge that the Earth goes through global cooling and warming trends every couple hundered years?"

Everyone does acknowledge that. What Inhofe fails to grasp, and what just about 99% of the scientists who study this phenomenon have concluded, is that human activity is radically altering that cycle, with disastrous results. If we do not take immediate action to curtail the massive emission of greenhouse gases by industrial activity, the lives of many millions, not to mention the global environment, will be in danger. But, again, I'm not going to argue this point anymore; nor am I going to debate evolution. The evidence is overwhelming--accept it or not. It's a free country. At least so far.

1/08/2007 10:54 PM  
Blogger WayneDawg said...

I hope you really don't believe that the Cherokee's were created here.


"...which I think gives them superior title."

We will have to agree to disagree on that ; we have been down this road before.


*Literalism and inerrancy are recent doctrines developed by a British preacher and are not Biblical.*

Nonsense - Jesus talked about Jonah and it's meaning. Paul talked about sin coming through the first man (Adam).

The Bible can be taken a number of ways: literal, as poetry, through parables, as prophecy, as a biography, as testimonies and as historical facts. The key is knowing which is which.

Genesis is not a parable; it can't be. Jesus told parables and introduced them with similes and thus making it plain to the listeners that it was a parable.

Genesis is a letter, biography, auto-biography and a testimony all wrapped up in one. Read it closely.

I believe the Bible is factual in the creation of Adam and Eve by God. Those two populated the pre-flood Earth. There was a flood followed by another population explosion and then the spreading of the people after the tower of Babel. Those spreading of people resulted in a mass migration; thus the indiginous peoples of formally un-occupied lands.

As far as global warming accelerating the cycles of warming and cooling through human involvement; yes, that entirely possible. Should we be good stewards of the Earth and take care of her? Yes, of course. Are humans radically changing that cycle; again, it's possible.

Not all scientists (your 99%) are in the boat on radical global warming. In fact, dozens of the top scientific minds in the world took a whole page in the Wall Street Journal to refute the current warming alarmists.

Anyway, by mid-century the new alarmist will be chanting about the new ice-age and how were headed for a frozen world if something and trillions of dollars are not spent now!

1/09/2007 7:51 AM  
Blogger The Local Crank said...

"I hope you really don't believe that the Cherokee's were created here."

So what if I do?


"We will have to agree to disagree on that ; we have been down this road before."

If you say so. You haven't yet given me a legal or moral justification for the wholesale theft of this continent from its original inhabitants, so I'm not sure we ever actually debated it at all.


"Genesis is a letter, biography, auto-biography and a testimony all wrapped up in one. Read it closely."

I have and you are wrong to think that the Creation stories (there are actually two in Genesis) were ever intended as scientific theory. Literalism and Inerrancy are heresies, and not even old heresies at that. But, as I said, I don't argue this point anymore because to do so is pointless; it's a matter of faith. Believe what you want and I will believe what I want.

"In fact, dozens of the top scientific minds in the world took a whole page in the Wall Street Journal to refute the current warming alarmists."

Again, the overwhelming majority of scientists in this field have concluded that human activity drastically affects world climate. But, as I said, I'm not arguing this point anymore. Even the Bush Administration has conceded the issue (with their recent listing of the polar bear as a threatened species) so anyone who insists on the contrary is deluding themselves. I won't waste time or blood pressure on them any more.

1/09/2007 1:47 PM  
Blogger WayneDawg said...

Crank - Came across this and thought you might be interested.

http://www.christianworldviewnetwork.com/article.php?ArticleID=1416

1/09/2007 5:55 PM  
Blogger The Local Crank said...

An interesting article, but I don't reject the Bible. I reject heresies such as literalism and innerancy. These are wholly created by Man and are nothing of God's. I also find it interesting that the author of this article couldn't come up with a single Scripture where Jesus endorsed either heresy. The reason, of course, is that He never did.

1/09/2007 8:54 PM  
Blogger WayneDawg said...

Ahh.....but do you believe that Jonah was swallowed by a great fish?

If you say no, then Jesus endorsed the heresy of literalism. If you say yes, then why would you pick that one to believe over many other things that seem way out there?

1/10/2007 6:49 AM  
Blogger The Local Crank said...

Jesus does not explicitly endorse a literal interpretation of Jonah's ordeal in Matthew 12:40, which I assume is the verse you are referring to, but even if he did, literalism is the heretical belief that absolutely every word in the Bible (and frequently just the KJV translation) is absolutely and literally true. You can (and should) reject that heresy while still believing that some of the Bible is literally true. But to answer your question, it doesn't matter whether Jonah was literally swallowed by a literal great fish or not; just like it doesn't matter if there were literally two people named Adam and Eve who were literally the first humans. What matters is the message God is trying to pound into our thick, sinful skulls by including those passages in the Bible.

1/10/2007 6:23 PM  
Blogger WayneDawg said...

*You can (and should) reject that heresy while still believing that some of the Bible is literally true.*


Which parts?

1/11/2007 6:44 AM  
Blogger WayneDawg said...

Crank - please point me in the direction of that second creation story in Genesis. After just recently completing a Bible study on Genesis, I would really like to see that.

1/12/2007 7:20 AM  
Blogger WayneDawg said...

Oh, I get it.

Your shunning me.

Turn about is fair play and you get mad and shun me over my SRMOTWA.

That's cool. It proves that your not as thick skinned as the white man after all. When the shoe is on the other foot you turn your back on dialog.

As the only person who seemed to debate you and call you on certain things, it's been fun.

C'ya

1/12/2007 12:21 PM  
Blogger The Local Crank said...

If I was "shunning" you, I wouldn't be posting your comments. And I never claimed to be thick-skinned, and I damn sure never said white men are thick skinned; y'all take offense at the drop of a hat. I've been running a fever for days now and I'm too damn sick to debate religion. Sigh. Okay, there are four sources for Genesis, usually referred to as J, E, D & P. A full exigesis is way beyond the scope of this little comments section (and its been too long since I took Freshman Old Testament), but if you look at Genesis 2:4, you can clearly see how the story seem to "start over." This represents an overlap between the source material.

1/14/2007 5:27 PM  

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