Column for 7 January, 2007

“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.”

--1 Corinthians 13:1-3

I only have one New Year’s Resolution for 2007 but (typical lawyer) it has 23 sub-parts. I hereby resolve not to give a load of flaming dingo’s kidneys about the following:

1) The pro-war opinions of any able-bodied heterosexual US Citizen between the ages of 18 and 41 who is not currently serving in uniform, is not a veteran and is not currently serving as a police officer or a firefighter. If you fit the above category, and continue to support the bloody train wreck that is Bush’s war in Iraq, then put on a uniform, pick up a rifle and stand to post; otherwise, shut your festering gob because you are a hypocrite at best and a pulling coward at worst. Despite our extreme policy differences, Van Taylor will always have my respect in this regard because he, unlike so many others on the Right Wing of the political spectrum, put his money where his mouth is and his life on the line;
2) The anti-gay marriage opinions of anyone who has ever been divorced or had an affair. Try reading the Bible before you quote it to me;
3) Any news report announcing that anything has been found to cause and/or cure cancer;
4) Rick Perry;
5) Kinky Freidman, Texas’ answer to Ralph Nader, only less funny;
6) Anyone’s opinion on illegal immigration, unless they are an Indian. If your family wasn’t here in October of 1492, you are an illegal alien. If you aren’t willing to go back to Ireland, German, Italy or wherever and stay a year, pay 500 years of back taxes to the tribal government of your choice and then re-apply to be let back in, why would you expect anyone else to?
7) The opinions of the same people on English as an “official language.” Learn to speak Cherokee, then get back to me;
8) My hair. Whatever happens to my hairline in the next 39 years, I hereby vow never to resort to rugs, plugs or comb-overs;
9) My age. Nothing I can do about it, anyway;
10) People like Senator James Inhofe (R-Never Never Land) who still refuse to accept that global warming is both real and a bad thing. These people are simply idiots and I can’t fight the stupid;
11) The future. The future stinks anyway, or as my niece would put it, inhales vigorously. Here it is 2007, there’s no Moonbase and I still don’t have a flying car. War, famine, pestilence, poverty and John Tesh all remain stubbornly unvanquished. I think we got stuck with someone else’s crummy future. Maybe we should demand a refund;
12) Things I cannot change;
13) Republican Congressmen who will complain over the next two years about how badly they are treated by the Democratic Majority. You guys lost the right to that argument after 12 years of running Congress like Stalin’s Politburo;
14) Same thing for Republicans who will whine that Democrats are “harassing” the President with “frivolous investigations.” Remember when y’all wanted to investigate Bill Clinton for supposedly using government funds for his Christmas cards? Well, I do;
15) Liberal political extremists who are more concerned with ideological purity than winning elections. There is no prize for second place in politics;
16) Conservative political extremists who are more concerned with ideological purity than the Bill of Rights. The President puts his hand on the Bible and swears to uphold the Constitution, not the other way around;
17) The anti-abortion opinions of anyone who isn’t adopted or isn’t willing to adopt;
18) The latest gadget. My life would undoubtedly be better off without my cell phone, laptop or PDA, anyway;
19) Mistakes I have made in the past. Nothing I can do about those, either;
20) Anything spewed out of FOX News;
21) Anything on the internet. I may have mentioned this before, but 95% of everything on the internet is crap;
22) The fact that most kids today are fat. And the fact that they are fat because they spend so much time sitting on their fat rears and staring stupidly into screens that moss grows on their north sides. There’s really not much I can about this, either, except for my own kids;
23) Mean people. They, too, inhale vigorously. And there’s nothing I can do about it.

Happy New Year, y’all!