The Local Crank

Musings & Sardonic Commentary on Politics, Religion, Culture & Native American Issues. Bringing you the finest in radioactive screeds since 2002! "The Local Crank" newspaper column is distributed by Community Newspaper Holdings, Inc.

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Location: Cleburne, Texas, United States

Just a simple Cherokee trial lawyer, Barkman has been forcing his opinions on others in print since, for reasons that passeth understanding, he was an unsuccessful candidate for state representative in 2002. His philosophy: "If people had wanted me to be nice, they should've voted for me."

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Column for 22 September, 2007

“As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you; and you will be comforted over Jerusalem.”
--Isaiah 66:13

At the recent Emmy Awards, actress Sally Fields found her microphone cut off in mid-sentence as she said, “If mothers ruled the world, there would be no (expletive deleted) wars.” Now, of course, as things are done these days, her actions are being relentlessly flogged by the punditocracy and the blogosphere, with the Left supporting her as a martyr to censorship by the perfidious FOX Network (which didn’t seem to have a problem with several much more lascivious comments made elsewhere during the broadcast) and the Right arguing that Ms. Fields is just another Hollywood elitist with a liberal axe to grind. My normal rule of thumb is that I do not give a load of flaming dingo’s kidneys what any celebrity has to say on any political topic. However, the whole thing got me to thinking: what if mothers really did rule the world? In particular, what if my mama ruled the world?
There would, in fact, be no war because we are ALL family and we are GOING to learn how to get along or she will know the reason why;
If war did break out, it would end quickly. Probably with a fly swatter or possibly a wooden spoon. At the very least, the offending nations would be restricted to their bedrooms until they had an opportunity to think about what they had done;
No one, particularly grandchildren, would ever go hungry. Moreover, they would get good food, not that junk they serve nowadays. And if they behaved themselves, they would get home-made ice cream or fry-bread with cinnamon and powdered sugar. And they'd probably be allowed to put the powdered sugar on themselves;
The world would learn to love squash, cornbread, fried okra, layered salad, sweet tea and (at Christmastime) kanutche;
The environment would be cleaned up and it had best stay that way, because all you nations are old enough now to clean up your own messes and not make her have to come along and pick up after you. United States, China, I'm looking at you two!
The strong would never be permitted to bully the weak. Ever;
Everyone would respect their elders. Or else;
There would be universal day-care, particularly for grandchildren;
Not only would there be universal health-care, but everyone would visit the dentist and the eye doctor at least once a year whether they wanted to go or not;
Everyone would get a good education if they just buckled down and tried their hardest. And everyone would get to go to college, even if she had to take a second job;
All children would get a new pair of shoes for the first day of school;
People would know the value of a dollar;
Children would learn personal responsibility and would be treated with dignity and respect and their opinions would always matter, even when they were absolutely, positively, dead wrong;
Everyone’s crazy ideas, no matter how really, really crazy, would get a sympathetic ear, though not necessarily agreement;
No one would tell anyone else who they were allowed to fall in love with, even if it didn’t work out;
Everybody on Earth, no matter who they are or what they did for a living, would have at least one person who was very, very proud of them when they succeeded;
Nobody would be judged by the color of their skin, where they went to church, how rich their parents were, or whether they were any good at basketball;
There would be no crime, because everyone would learn early on to respect other peoples’ property, to leave other people alone when they aren’t bothering anyone, and to not go into other peoples’ rooms without permission. Or else;
Everyone would be encouraged to go as far and as high as their wits and talents could take them, and;
Everyone would be allowed to make their own mistakes, but there would always be someone there to help them out when they did.
Thanks, mama!



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