The Local Crank

Musings & Sardonic Commentary on Politics, Religion, Culture & Native American Issues. Bringing you the finest in radioactive screeds since 2002! "The Local Crank" newspaper column is distributed by Community Newspaper Holdings, Inc.

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Location: Cleburne, Texas, United States

Just a simple Cherokee trial lawyer, Barkman has been forcing his opinions on others in print since, for reasons that passeth understanding, he was an unsuccessful candidate for state representative in 2002. His philosophy: "If people had wanted me to be nice, they should've voted for me."

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

If My Mama Ruled the World

  1. There would, in fact, be no war because we are ALL family and we are GOING to learn how to get along or she will know the reason why;
  2. If war did break out, it would end quickly. Probably with a fly swatter or possibly a wooden spoon. At the very least, the offending nations would be restricted to their bedrooms until they had an opportunity to think about what they had done;
  3. No one, particularly grandchildren, would ever go hungry. Moreover, they would get good food, not that junk they serve nowadays. And if they behaved themselves, they would get home-made ice cream or fry-bread with cinnamon and powdered sugar. And they'd probably be allowed to put the powdered sugar on themselves;
  4. The world would learn to love squash, cornbread, fried okra, three-layer salad, sweet tea, and (at Christmastime) kanutche;
  5. The environment would be cleaned up and it had best stay that way, because all you nations are old enough now to clean up your own messes and not make her have to come along and pick up after you. United States, China, I'm looking at you!
  6. The strong would never be permitted to bully the weak. Ever;
  7. Everyone would respect their elders. Or else;
  8. There would be universal day-care, particularly for grandchildren;
  9. Not only would there be universal healthcare, but everyone would visit the dentist and the eye doctor at least once a year;
  10. Everyone would be encouraged to go as far and as high as their wits and talents could take them, everyone would get a good education if they just buckled down and tried hard and everyone would be allowed to make their own mistakes, but there would always be someone there to help them out when they did.

Hat Tip to Quaker Dave for the inspiration.

UPDATE: If Blue Gal's mother ruled the world...

UPDATE 2: Three Wise Men get in on the action.

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