Stupid White Man of the Week: Kathleen Parker

...for her stirring defense of ignorant crackers who can't vote for Obama because they prefer to have a "full-blooded American" as President. By "full-blooded American" I naturally assumed Ms. Parker was referring to Ben Nighthorse Campbell or (God help us all) Tom Cole; but no. Evidently, being a "full-blooded American" is no mere accident of DNA, no. Not only must you arrange for both your parents to have been born in America, you must also hate/fear immigrants and love guns and Jesus. But it has nothing to do with race. Ms. Parker says so.

Stupid White Man of the Week: Larry Niven

Apparently, it's not just the Ringworld that's unstable (and yes, that was a science fiction joke; deal with it):

"Niven said a good way to help hospitals stem financial losses is to spread rumors in Spanish within the Latino community that emergency rooms are killing patients in order to harvest their organs for transplants."

It gets worse. This power-tool is now part of an elite group of nerds advising the Department of Homeland Security. No, really.

Stupid White Man of the Week: Tom Sullivan

FOX News Radio bloviator Tom Sullivan wins this week's coveted SWMW Award for his prediction that there will be "riots in the streets" by blacks if Obama loses. Way to transcend the old racial paradigm there, you jackleg!

Dishonorable mention goes to former Virgina Governor and current Richmond Mayor Doug Wilder for his insulting suggestion that the 2008 Democratic Convention will be worse than the infamous 1968 Chicago Convention and "police riot" if the superdelegates intervene to nominate Hillary Clinton. Great job, Governor! Way to reassure people! You, uh, may recall that the Democrats LOST in 1968?

Stupid White Man of the Week: William Perry Pendley

William Perry Pendley (and what a precious little name that is, too! Could he possibly sound any whiter?) of the "Mountain States Legal Foundation" argues that tribes shouldn't have any jurisdiction whatsoever over non-Indians because...wait for it...Indians are too stupid and savage to understand the brilliance that is the white man's law. Oh, you think I'm exagerrating? Read this drivel for yourselves. Note that his brilliant legal reasoning utterly ignores tribal sovereignty, or rather treats it as something that Congress and the Federal Courts can wipe effortlessly away lest it inconvenience any white people in the slightest.

Stupid White Man of the Week: Bill O'Reilly

The terminally obtuse O'Reilly gets this week's coveted Stupid White Man award not just for his casual use of the term "lynching party" when referring to Michelle Obama; no, here at SWMOTW, we know using loaded racist language is easy (especially on FOX). Bill gets the nod for his clumsy, "I'm sorry if anyone was offended" non-apology. Congratulations, Bill!

Stupid White Man of the Week: John Gibson

Still a racist asshole who couldn't find a clue if it was tattooed on him.

Stupid White Man of the Week: Rush Limbaugh

Rush presents an easy target (in more ways than one). Here, he identifies an 18 year old Yup'ik as a "child" and an "Inuit from Alaska" and mocks her for daring to testify before Congress about the disastrous effects of global warming on her community, which Rush dimisses with, "Well, we gotta stop global warming so the child's spiritual connection to her homeland and her communities and so forth doesn't melt away into the Arctic. But we've all had to move for a host of reasons." What a sweetheart, huh? Yes, clearly, moving from Cleveland to Cincinnati because your dad got a new job is EXACTLY the same as watching the village where your people have lived for centuries melt into the ocean.

Stupid White Man of the Week: Michael Medved

Shorter Medved: Sure, we invaded your country; stole all your land; exterminated 95% of you with weapons of mass destruction; outlawed your culture and religion; kidnapped, tortured, and brainwashed your children; sterilized your women without their knowledge or consent; desecrated your sacred sites; herded you into concentration camps and deliberately starved you, but hey, you guys fought back, so technically that's not *open air quotes* "genocide" *close air quotes*

Hat tip to Wampum for this richly-deserved nomination.

UPDATE: Medved brings his own unique brand of insanity to the issue of neo-Confederate slavery revisionism.

Stupid White Man of the Week: Peggy Noonan

For this inspired combination of racism, condescension and breathtaking ignorance in relating her witty and charming encounter with an Actual For Real Brown Person. My favorite part?

She is short, about 5 feet tall, and stocky, with a broad brown face. She is, I think, Latin American, maybe of Indian blood.

An actual INDIAN? My God, Peggy, however did you escape with your LIFE? Weren't you SCARED?

Stupid White Man of the Week: Michael Berry

Mayor Pro Tem of Houston and talk-radio blow-hole for his clever observation that "we" should stop "apologizing" and "giving welfare" and "casinos" to Native Americans because, after all, "200 years ago they were whipped in a war." Berry added that it was okay for him to say that because he has "enough American Indian in me." No doubt his great great grandmother was a Cherokee Princess...

Dear Mayor Berry:

You are cordially invited to kiss my rosy Cherokee ass.

Sincerely,
Patrick G. Barkman

P.S. If it wasn't for smallpox, your ancestors would have been swimming back to England. So "whip" that.

UPDATE: More reactions to Berry's idiocy.

Stupid White Man of the Week: Robert Novak

Dear Mr. Novak:

Thank you for your thoughtful opinion on how a prancing white boy in redface doing splits at halftime is really a way of "honoring" the "valor, ferociousness and indomitable spirit in the face of overwhelming odds" of Native Americans, if only we would shut up and appreciate it.
I respectfully suggest, however, that your talents are better served in your traditional role as ventriloquist's dummy to the Bush White House's COINTELPRO operation.

P.S. You are cordially invited to kiss my rosy Cherokee ass.

MT State Rep. Ed Butcher STILL Clueless!!

Film at Eleven!!

Stupid White Man of the Week: Frank D. Hargrove, Sr.

This Republican Delegate to the Virginia State Assembly hit a rare hat-trick of racist stupidity during a debate over a proposed resolution apologizing for slavery in the Old Dominion. First, he told black citizens they should "get over it," asking "Are we going to force the Jews to apologize for killing Christ?" Then, when a Jewish delegate took offense at a repeat of this old discredited blood libel, Hargrove told him, "I didn't even know you were Jewish...I think your skin was a little too thin." And as the kicker, in further arguing against any apology for slavery, Hargrove added, "It would be far more appropriate in my view to apologize to the Upper Mattaponi and the Pamunkey [Indians for the loss of their lands in eastern Virginia]."
Hey, man, leave us out of this.

Stupid White Man of the Week: Ed Butcher

This week's coveted SWMW award goes to Montana State Rep. Ed Butcher (R-Winifred) who referred to State Rep. Jonathan Windy Boy, who is also a member of the Chippewa-Cree Tribal Council, as "chief" and asked if his gavel could be used as a "war club." Back in 2002, at a town hall meeting, Butcher described reservations as "ghettos" and opined “They’re [Indians] unwilling or incapable of working like normal outside people do.” But just saying something stupid and offensive doesn't get you a SWMW Award, oh no. People say stupid things all the time, after all. Some of them are even President of the United States. No, this award goes to Butcher for the brilliant defense he gave of his remarks regarding Windy Boy:

Butcher said if he intended to say something disparaging about American Indians, “I would have come up with something (worse) than that.”

Instead of, say, just apologizing and moving on, which is why former candidate and now Congressman Steve Kagen didn't get an award.

Hat Tip (and salute) to Jesus' General.

Stupid White Man of the Week: Virgin Trains

For this appallingly racist piece of crap. Honorable mention to the British Government for signing off on this appallingly racist piece of crap. Perhaps they confused "American Indians" with the type of Indian the British are more accustomed to treating like dirt.

Stupid White Man of the Week: David Crosby

This bloated, shambling relic from the sixties has recently come out with a "book" filled with ignorant, innacurate racist diatribes against Indians in general and the Santa Ynez Band of Chumash Indians in particular. For what sin have the Chumash incurred Crosby's drug-addled rage? By daring to use tribal sovereignty to improve their lot after a century and a half of being marginalized socially, politically and economically, and doing so in such a way as to mildy inconvenience this aging hippy. The inconvenient fact that Indians lived on this land for thousands of years before even the birth of the mummified remains of this limosine liberal seems not to have penetrated the permanent chemical haze that envelops Crosby's brain.

Ironically, the whole dispute took off when Fess Parker, the actor famous for portraying "Indian fighter" Davy Crockett, wanted to go into a development partnership with the Santa Ynez Band.

Stupid White Man of the Week: Paul Watson

Paul Watson, of the Sea Shepherd Society. God save us from self-righteous white liberals who presume to lecture Native Americans on what "traditional" means.

Stupid White Man: Lifetime Achievement Award

Pat Buchanan.

The United States must keep "Americans of European descent" from becoming the "minority" in order to "survive[]."

Kiss my rosy Cherokee ass, Buchanan.

Stupid White Man of the Week: Senator George Allen

"Mohawk" is not, in fact, pronounced "macaca," but "George Allen" is pronounced "dumb ass."

Stupid White Man of the Week: Marilyn Kittleman

Douglas County (Oregon) Commissioner Marilyn Kittleman believes efforts by her constituents, including the Cow Creek Band of Umpqua Indians, to recall her for being a racist blowhard is "political terrorism" which she goes on to compare to the 9-11 attacks. Yeah, it's a pity Indians can vote, huh, Commissioner? Maybe you should ask your pals at One Nation to help out...